If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
