Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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