I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
