Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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