is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
