my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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