After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
