My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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