I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We had to coat check the pizza.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
