first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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