Best friends brother. Beat that.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
