her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
