Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
