I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
