at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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