The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
ugly people sure do ruin things
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
