just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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