I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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