bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
