Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
