We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
