When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
