apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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