Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
