I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
