i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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