you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
