I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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