I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
