I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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