I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
