does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Randomize
