your parents love me but you hate me
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize