I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
