this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
