I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize