just tell him i said nine months
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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