I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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