i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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