I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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