i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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