Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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