When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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