just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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