dude i'm inner monologue high
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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