How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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