as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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