...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
