Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
