So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
