my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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