If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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