you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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