Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
