Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
