I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize