I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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