Swine flu. Run for my life!
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
